A Jewish-Thai conspiracy to stop the Turkish spaceship

Egypt’s deeply troubled president, Mohamed Morsi, proved to be too uncreative compared to his Turkish brothers in arms when he blamed the mass protests against his Muslim Brotherhood regime on foreign countries only. He could have been better inspired by his Turkish comrades. Even Turkish Deputy Prime Minister Beşir Atalay was able to add some (well, the usual) sauce on his "evil foreign powers recipe": The Turkish unrest had been sparked by the Jewish diaspora.

So, where, President Morsi, in your assessment of "Tahrir Square – Revisited," are the Jewish conspirators, Western capitals, financial lobbyists, global capitalists, BBC, CNN International, the Economist, Kemalists, Syrian Baathists, Iranian intelligence, the intergalactic forces, and Michael Rubin?

Yes, Mr. Rubin. The zealously, passionately government-friendly press in Turkey discovered weeks ago that the anti-government protests in nearly 80 Turkish cities were the result of a plot hatched at the American Enterprise Institute (AEI), and the plotters are, of course, Jews, including the intergalactic chieftain Mr. Rubin who, in a posting he called “A little bit of crazy from Turkey,” confessed to the global cabal:

“Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan can’t even get Jewish conspiracies right: Doesn’t he know that on Sundays, we control the banks. On Mondays, we control the newspapers. On Tuesdays, we think about how we can stage terrorist attacks and blame al-Qaeda. On Wednesdays, we attend meetings with George Soros to discuss interest rates. On Thursdays, we plan atrocities and then order the international media to broadcast cooking shows so no one need see the violence. On Fridays, we hunt Christian children so we can use their blood to make matzoh. On Saturdays, exhausted, we rest.”

But the plot that pushed tens of millions of Turks and Egyptians out to the streets to protest the Turkish and Egyptian Muslim brothers is not confined merely to Mr. Rubin and the AEI (secretly known as “Abraham’s Evil Israel”). I have found on-the-record evidence of Thai collaboration in the big game. Yes, Thai. But no, not avatars disguised as tuk-tuk drivers. Juthaporn Remgronasa, a senior official from the Tourism Authority of Thailand, said that the former Siam country saw potential opportunities in penetrating German and other European markets to draw more tourists to Thailand, and openly confessed to the plot: “Turkey’s political problems will benefit Thailand.”

Earlier, a Turkish Cabinet minister unveiled the big game. Economy Minister Zafer Cağlayan said (financial) speculators, lobbyists and bankers were united in a coalition against Turkey. Without these lobbies, he said, Turkey would now have built and launched its own spaceship.

The situation is very serious: All the dark forces of the intergalactic lobbyists, Abraham’s Evil Israel, Mr. Rubin and Thailand’s Union of Tuk-Tuk Drivers have joined their forces to stop the supreme Turkish engineering from building a spaceship which, who knows, could one day save the world from an alien attack. Of course, a more plausible interpretation could be that the dark forces are trying to stop the Turkish spaceship to prevent possible casualties in case the Sultan I crashed into the kitchen of a Bolivian farmer. And I feel guilty because I was the first journalist to reveal Turkey’s plans to build a spaceship (“We’ll make fighter jets! And spaceships too...” this column, Dec. 16, 2010).

In the meantime, it might be a better idea if Mssrs. Erdoğan and Cağlayan devoted less time and efforts to spaceships and intergalactic conspiracy theories and more to making Turkey a better place to live in. Turkey has just ranked last among 34 nations according to the OECD’s Better Living Index (based on 11 selected criteria including health, education, environment, personal security and income). Unless of course Abraham’s Evil Israel, Mr. Rubin, the tuk-tuk lobby and Turk-hating avatars have already taken control of the OECD.