What have you been sniffing, mom?

BELGİN AKALTAN - belgin.akaltan@hdn.com.tr

The new cat “Maçka” in his younger days…

- Hello, darling
- Don’t call me “darling.”
- Oh, sorry. What was I supposed to call you? My son? Dear son? Is that OK?
- hhmmdlsdlşai (not understandable)
- You haven’t been answering my calls. I sent SMSs, emails, WhatsApp and Facebook messages… I’m just trying to catch you for a moment…
- I didn’t see them… I was busy… My phone was not working all week long... I kind of thought I had answered you.
- Which one?
- Mom, don’t do that.
- Well dear, I need to talk to you.
- Yes?
- First I want to tell you how nice it’s to hear your voice, even if it’s once in a while.
- Hmmm…
- Next, I want to tell you…
- Listen, I need to go to class now.
- Look, I forgot what I was going to tell you, but sure, go to your class... I’ll call you again. Please try to take my calls…  
- Hmmm…
- Bye.
- Bye.

Second conversation:

- Hi.
- Hi.
- I’ve been trying to reach you. But I know you’re busy.
- Yeah, I was very busy.
- I’ll be really quick. Do you need money?
- No.
- Are you OK? Is everything fine? How is school?
- It’s fine.
- How is the new cat? Come and visit us this weekend…

Third conversation:

- I’m going to be at the hospital. Cerrahpaşa. I’ll have an operation on March 11.
- Sure mom, I’ll be there.
- I don’t want to criticize you, but do I need to be sick to see you? I mean, thank you, indeed. I know you’ll always be there when I need you… Thanks for that…
- Of course I’ll be there when you need me. Why are you talking like this?
- OK. I can understand you don’t like this conversation.

Fourth conversation:

- Darling… Whoops, sorry, my son…
- Yes?
- I haven’t spoken to you for a week. I just wanted to hear your voice.
- Hmmm…

Fifth Conversation:

- Hi dear, did you hide the money?
- Mom?
- The money, dear.
- Mom, what money?
- Be careful while you are talking on the phone. Don’t say everything openly. Hide it, get rid of it.  
- Mom, what are you talking about?
- I said be subtle … Don’t talk on this phone… Whisper; then maybe they won’t be able to hear it.  
- Are you OK, mom?
- Are you drinking lots of ayran?
- Mom, are you OK? Where are you? Do you want me to come?
- I sent you some money. It is the same bank account. Zero the money. Give some to your uncle. Then give some to your roommates Alp Can and Can. With the remaining money, buy a villa in Bodrum, next to you aunt’s.
- Have you taken your pills, mom? Mom, I’m worried. Where are you? Who’s with you?
- Is your sister there?
- Mom, I don’t have a sister. What have you been sniffing? Is dad there?
- Tell your sister to arrange the money. Zero the cash in the house.
- Mom, we don’t have money. You don’t have a daughter. I don’t have a sister. I only have the 700 liras you send me every month. It’s already gone. Seriously, are you kidding me?  
- No, this is serious. But I can’t talk on this phone. They are monitoring everything, they are monitoring us.
- Who?
- The robot lobby…
- Mom, I’ll be there as soon as I can.
- Dear, this is Istanbul; you can’t be here soon. It’ll take you at least three hours. Let’s meet halfway.
- Where?
- Burhaniye Mahallesi, where the Şehrazat mansions are. Let’s meet there. We can buy a flat there with the remaining money while we’re at it…
- What mahallesi? What mansions? Şeh what?
- You know that bus stop where nobody gets on or off. Now I understand why they built that metrobus stop in the middle of nowhere. For the service personnel of the Şehrazat Mansions to commute. Let’s not forget to give 10 to the contractor of that bus stop.   
- Wait, don’t go anywhere. Give the phone to dad.
- Your dad also says, ‘Hide the money, son.’
- Tell dad that I don’t have money to hide. Nobody is listening to our phones. We are ordinary people.
- Dad wants you to get rid of the remaining 30 million. Take everything out of the house. Zero the money.
- Mom, you’re not making sense. Zero is a number, not a verb.
- I didn’t know you’ve been to Harvard.
- No, I’m at Yeditepe University, thanks be to God.
- What’s God got to do with all that money and Harvard and Yeditepe?
- With God’s permission, I’ll handle everything when it gets dark.
- Perfect. Did you call me, son? Or was it my father who called me?
- Mom, grandpa died 20 years ago. He cannot call you. And I didn’t call you. With the help of God, I’ll feed the cat now. Bye.
- Bye, dear. Then who called me?

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