Purple Turkey for Purple Turks

BELGİN AKALTAN - belgin.akaltan@hdn.com.tr

Purple Turks are never gay. (sic)

Some readers did not like my White Turkey piece last week; others simply loved it. I cannot say it was one of my best pieces - or maybe it was. Maybe because it was not the best or maybe because it was the best, it had a love/hate relationship with readers. 

By the way, White Turk is not a skin color; it is a concept. It does not define a race; it is a social position open to everyone. You may call it elitist, but in a way that it is a reaction against those anti-elitists in power. It is anti-anti-elitist, which is more nuanced than a straight elitist. (Oh, I like this sentence.) 

Very simply put, a White Turk is modern, educated, urban person who lives in Turkey. They generally take the Kadıköy ferry to Beşiktaş, past the prime minister’s office at Dolmabahçe Palace and the prime minister hates all of them whenever he looks out of his window and sees them coming out of the ferry – as if he has got no other business to do but look out of the window and generate hate for those who walk out of the Kadıköy ferry. 

Since White Turkey was loved and hated at the same time, my editor Beril suggested I make up another color just the opposite. Since I cannot suggest Black – it would be misunderstood and racist – I chose purple. So here comes Purple Turkey for Purple Turks. One reader (a purple one) mentioned teletubbies; so the symbol of Purple Turkey is the teletubby. 

So being the opposite of a White Turk and one who dislikes the White Turk (Wow, how kind I am to say “dislike” when they openly hate us. Why did I say “us”? Who are you? Are you taking sides again? Of course I am a side. I am a woman, educated, from Istanbul. That makes me a side... End of parenthesis…) 

So the opposite of a white Turk, the Purple Turk, would be mediaeval, uneducated and rural. I think that explains it all. 

The capital is Haymana, near Ankara because it was suggested by White Turk haters. Not that I have anything against Haymana, but really, they suggested it. So I think that suits them best. The same haters also pointed out that the whites who so love to drink would want the Aegean coastal areas, so that they can watch the sea and drink. (Fine with me.) They also suggested several activities that we can get engaged in with the Greeks – who they said we love so much. 

The features of Purple Turkey are outlined by the critics of White Turkey. They hate the whites so much that the country is filled with hatred, with not enough love to go around… (The song, hear the melody…) 

Also, the color purple is associated with LGBTs, but I don’t mean that. It is only the color purple, something in place of and opposite of white - although the poor LGBTs need an enclave of their own because they suffer so much at the hands of all colors of Turks. 

Purple Turks are never gay. There is no homosexuality in a Muslim society, as one Iranian leader once said, and also as many Afghan people believe. I’m sure you have seen the videos where gangs of Russians proudly trick a gay person into a date, then kidnap him. They beat him up and film their tortures. When the gay person goes to the police to complain the Russian police tells him, “Of course you will be beaten, you are gay.” Here in Purple Turkey, they may not be beaten, but they are the first ones to be fired from their jobs whenever there is a downsizing in a company, together with women and minorities.

Purple Turks do not drink and they hate those who drink. So most probably no alcohol would be allowed in the country of Purple Turks. 

In this Haymana-centered purple country shoe boxes will be filled with dollar banknotes. Women would be preferred to be hairless so that their hair is not seen by any evil purple eye. Women should preferably be silent, deaf and obedient. Young girls should be open to several levels of touching by old men. They are expected to maintain a strong psychological state at all times. 

Incest is hidden, girls aged 13 or even younger can marry older men, young girls can hang themselves to protect the family honor, police would beat up teenagers on the street so that they die of cerebral hemorrhage; but that is no problem because purple Turks have a DNA that protects the murderer and especially the mass murderer. 

Purple Turkey will have a prime minster who will shed tears for an Egyptian protester, but has no word to say for Ali İsmail Korkmaz, the young Gezi protester beaten to death in Eskişehir. Purple Turkey will have an Eskişehir governor, who still keeps his position, and who would suggest, “Maybe his friends have beaten him up and are now accusing the police.”

I would prefer White Turkey.