Telekinetic murder conspirators revealed!

The press release in my inbox read: “On July 24, 2013, the London Times will carry a full page advertisement with the attached letter addressed to Mr. Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, the Prime Minister of Turkey, with the following signatories.” The letter condemned the “heavy-handed clamp down of Turkish police forces on the peaceful protestors at Taksim Square and Gezi Park”; said that Mr. Erdoğan’s meeting in the outskirts of Istanbul was “reminiscent of the Nuremberg Rally”; and called Mr. Erdoğan’s rule “dictatorial.”

The signatories’ names revealed how accurate was Mr. Erdoğan’s newly-appointed chief advisor, Yiğit Bulut, when he blamed the protests on a conspiracy by dark forces to murder Mr. Erdoğan by telekinesis.

- Branko Lustig, Oscar-winning producer (Shindler’s List and Gladiator): Aha! Shindler’s List - reveals the Jewish conspiracy so plainly.

- Dr. Andrew Mango, biographer of Ataturk: The title of his book shows that Dr. Mango is a crypto terrorist.

- Fazıl Say, prominent Turkish pianist, atheist and sinner: This conspiracy would have been incomplete without Mr. Say.

- Sir Ben Kingsley, Oscar-winning actor (Gandhi): Sir Ben once admitted there might be some Russian Jewish heritage on his mother’s side. Confirms the Jewish conspiracy.

- Sean Penn, Oscar-winning actor/director: Played the bad-boy persona, an erratic drug-dealer whose greed leads him to become a KGB spy, and a U.S. diplomat whose wife is a CIA agent. Not a coincidence, apparently. I knew the KGB and the CIA were involved in the Turkish protests.

- Lord Julian Fellowes, Oscar-winning screenwriter (Gosford Park): Gosford Park... Gezi Park... Hmmm. The conspiracy dates back to 2002, when Mr. Erdoğan’s party came to power. Cannot be a coincidence.

- Vilmos Zsigmond, Oscar-winning cinematographer (Close Encounters of the Third Kind): This film’s title itself confirms Mr. Bulut’s theory about telekinetic forces conspiring to murder Mr. Erdoğan. Besides, Mr. Zsigmond was born in Budapest in 1930. He may or may not be Jewish, but he was born at a time and in a city full of Jews.

- Sir Tom Stoppard, Oscar-winning screenwriter (Shakespeare in Love): A Jew - disguised as British - who left Czechoslovakia as a child refugee, fleeing imminent Nazi occupation. More proof for the Jewish conspiracy.

- Rachel Johnson, novelist: Well, the novelist Ms. Johnson’s earlier career in journalism includes her work for the Financial Times, BBC, Sunday Telegraph and Sunday Times. What better proof for Mr. Erdoğan’s theory about foreign news outlets’ conspiracy for the protests?

- Christopher Hampton, Oscar-winning screenwriter (Dangerous Liaisons): Another film title that proves the telekinetic murder scenario.

- Marquesse of Downshire, landowner: The Turkish police should immediately issue an arrest warrant for this lady to the Interpol on charges of financing terrorist activity.

- Maurice Farhi, writer: I say, “Shame on you, Mr. Farhi,” each time I stare at your Young Turk on my bookshelf. I should have guessed that you are a dangerous terrorist when your book told the story of a multi-racial Turkey giving sanctuary to many of Europe’s fleeing Jews. Another link in the Jewish conspiracy.

- Claire Berlinski, writer: You are a big disappointment, Claire (if I may). I would never have loved your books or dined with you by the lake if I knew you were a terrorist!

- Edmund Kingsley, actor: A natural-born “chapulcu” (Gezi protestor). The first time he appeared in front of TV cameras, he was wearing a blonde wig and dressed as a girl – when he was two years old!

- Susan Sarandon, Oscar-winning actress (Dead Man Walking): Who would guess terrorists had infiltrated into international organizations and won titles such as ‘UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador?’

- Vanessa Redgrave, Oscar-winning actress (Julia): Disguised as an anti-Zionist, pro-Palestine activist for a long time by championing an independent Palestinian state. In reality, either a Zionist or a Russian spy.

- James Fox, actor: An Evangelical Christian whose hallucinogen DMT smoking led to a nervous breakdown at young age. Another natural-born “chapulcu.”

- David Starkey, constitutional historian: Also an Honorary Associate of the National Secular Society. Need one any further evidence to doubt that Mr. Starkey is the British sleeper for the Turkish secular terrorists? His double trick was to avoid suspicion by openly engaging in secular activity. Apparently, he underestimated the Turkish intellect.